I have recently been following We Nurture Collective. Each time I consider writing a blog, a post from Chinyelu, the founder, comes through. So, rather than writing something that has already been addressed, I am sharing her recent thoughts on gentle parenting.
From We Nurture Collective
If you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen this quote that I recently posted: "Gentleness in parenting doesn't mean that you don't guide your child; it means that your guidance isn't hurtful," adapted from Rebecca Eanes.
This quote really resonated with me; perhaps it sparks something in you, too.
There's a common myth out there that gentle parenting creates entitled children who do not respect their parents and who will not listen to them.
I'm here to tell you that it is entirely possible to be gentle and still have a child who respects you and listens to you.
First, let's talk about what gentle parenting is not.
Gentle parenting doesn't mean that there are no boundaries or consequences.
It doesn't mean that you should be permissive and not have expectations for your child's behavior.
It also doesn't mean that your child will disrespect you and not listen to you.
And it certainly doesn't mean you have to give in to your child's demands and whims.
So, what does gentle parenting mean?
It means avoiding yelling, shaming, criticizing, blaming, and being unkind or speaking hurtful words to your child.
It means that your focus as a parent will be on understanding your child, having respect for them as a growing, developing human being, having compassion and empathy, especially when they are having a hard time, and establishing and holding boundaries.
Gentle parenting is about respecting your child for the very fact that they deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, even when they are at their worst.
Because they are the smallest and most vulnerable of us all, we, as adults, have the power and should have the emotional maturity to show them what it means to be gentle, kind, and respectful.
One of the essential aspects of gentle parenting is guiding your child and teaching them to be more self-aware of their actions and words.
To do this, you must develop your own self-awareness and self-restraint.
In fact, everything you teach your child is about developing that quality in yourself too!
It's a beautiful and challenging process of growth for both the parent and the child.
Gentle parenting is very much like Waldorf-inspired parenting. Why?
Because the focus is on guiding children with an understanding of their developmental stage and then having reasonable expectations based on what they are actually capable of doing.
Another critical aspect is modeling the behavior that you want to see in your child, knowing that young children cannot help but imitate what the adults around them do and say.
This approach to parenting is not about being perfect or getting it right all the time.
It's about striving to be the best version of ourselves for our children.
It's about showing them how to navigate the world with kindness and respect, even in the face of challenges.
One of the myths about gentle parenting is that it means you can't set boundaries or have consequences.
This couldn't be further from the truth.
Gentle parenting is all about setting clear, consistent boundaries in a loving and respectful way.
It's about letting your child know why certain behaviors are unacceptable and guiding them toward better choices.
For example, if your child is having a meltdown because they want a toy that's not theirs, instead of saying,
"Stop crying, you can't have it," try saying, "I see you really want that toy. It's hard when we can't have what we want, but that toy belongs to someone else. Let's find something else to play with."
This approach acknowledges your child's feelings while at the same time, sets a clear boundary.
Gentle parenting also involves discipline, but not in the way you might traditionally think.
The word "discipline" comes from the Latin word "disciplina," which means teaching or learning.
Discipline is about teaching your child what behaviors are acceptable and what isn't as you guide them with love and patience. It's not about punishment or control.
Think of your child as an apprentice, learning from you every day.
Your actions, words, and attitudes are teaching them how to navigate the world.
When you model empathy, patience, and respect, they learn to embody those qualities too.
'Am I worthy of imitation' is a Waldorf phrase that is often revisited as a helpful guiding principle and reminder that everything we do is what our child will imitate.
One of the most profound aspects of gentle parenting is the way it encourages us to respect ourselves and be gentle with ourselves.
We can't fully teach a gentle approach if we are not kind and gentle with ourselves.
Parenting is hard, and we all have moments when we fall short of our ideals.
What's important is how we handle those moments. Do we berate ourselves, or do we show ourselves the same kindness and understanding we wish to show our children?
I've found that the more I practice self-compassion, the more I'm able to extend that compassion to my children.
When I make a mistake, I try to model self-forgiveness and use it as an opportunity to teach my children that it's okay to be imperfect.
We're all learning and growing together.
Remember, children need to be respected just as much as we do.
When you are gentle with your child and with yourself, you are modeling what it means to be a gentle human being.
They will learn to be gentle with you and with others, now and in the years to come.
It's Lori here again. I hope you have gained some valuable insight from Chinyelu's words. Please get in touch with me with any parent coaching needs at info@raphaelsgarden.org
May you approach yourself and those around you with gentleness!
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